As Cold as Ice
by xfmoon
Summary: An introspective Jemma piece. You can't fix anything if you feel broken yourself.


**A/N: **Wasn't going to cheat Jemma for an introspective piece now that I gave Fitz one. Not that I can really know what she's thinking, since we haven't seen the real her in this season yet. But it can only be a matter of time, right.

**Spoilers:** For everything up to and including 2x01 Shadows.

**Disclaimer:** I only own the rights to my own cold soul, not the rights to any parts of Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. neither cold nor warm.

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><p>Ice.<p>

That was all she felt now.

The cold.

Ever since they had escaped the med pod.

Freezing water that rushed in. Came at her forcefully. Surrounded her. Numbing her senses.

She just couldn't seem to get warm. Even here, out of the water.

Sweaters didn't do the trick, even thick woolly ones didn't live up to their name, if anything cold sweats were all she got. The brisk winds seemed to pass right through the material as if they were woven merely of cobwebs.

Every day she would get up, make a big cup of scolding hot tea, and choke it down in big gulps, hoping to absorb some of the heat in the process. But the warmth promised by the hot beverage seemed to vaporise as soon as the liquid left the cup, before it even reached her tongue. Leaving behind only the pain of the burn in her throat, not the warmth.

Her fingers felt stiff, unbendable like steel, but still as easy to break as a thawing icicle. It made the work in the lab hard. Every time she touched something she felt a chill enter and go through her whole body, cooling it down even further, if that was at all possible. It was like an electric shock, only colder and lasting longer. And it seemed to be confined only to the stuff in the lab that belonged to her.

Though she basically shivered through her day, she kept at it. How could she not? She would look over at Fitz - her brave, best friend - and see how much he fought, how he struggled. And she would berate herself for being weak. For letting the cold in in the first place. She wasn't even the one that had lost her heart. The damned thing, that kept the blood circulating and supposedly warmed the body. Fitz had offered his up to her on a silver platter. And without giving anything back, she had taken what she needed. Had left him with nothing. But in the end so was she. Her two hearts didn't keep her warm and toasty, in fact they couldn't seem to produce a temperature that was anywhere near being above freezing. But she would go on regardless, she could do this, she had to, for him, she would adapt, and she would learn to live with it.

And she tried, tried really hard to be the sparkle of sunshine in the death of winter, that little extra glimmer of hope, to be her uplifting, illuminating, enthusiastic self, the person she used to be. She really did, until she couldn't anymore. The artic landscape inside of her grew exponentially, eventually spilling out, contaminating the whole lab, spreading so fast it made being in there unbearable. So she avoided it as best as she could, but ultimately _it _caught up with her. It left the lab like a stowaway snake, slithering around the whole base, tracking the snowstorm around with it as it went. Shrouding the entire place in a frosty white coat, that felt nothing like a winter wonderland.

Snow-covered hallways stretched out blindingly white before her eyes, distorting her vision. When every step she took started to crunch beneath her feet she couldn't take it anymore. She would sit huddled in a corner, where the walls met her bed, most of the day. Feeling somewhat protected from the cold surroundings, without being warm though. Scared to step out of the room, to move, to face the cold that she with her presence kept inflicting on others. She couldn't stay here any longer. She had to get out. Get away.

There was no warmth in the faces of the others as she left them behind. The cold had frozen their features making them resemble hard, unfeeling, marble sculptures. They couldn't see, didn't understand her reasons. All except Fitz, even hollowed out he kept a warmth around him like an aura, thawing the ice and transforming the floors into puddles between them. It was waters she didn't dare cross however, even her internal ice couldn't bridge the watery gab it had itself been a party to create. It would never be a stable structure. Their differences used to balance each other out, but now they clashed... with her cold and his warmth they couldn't coexist or they would destroy each other. The days of their creative partnership had been severed by a force of nature, by science basically, which was ironic since science was what had united them in the first place.

She wished she could give back what she'd taken. Fix it. Heal what had been broken. But she couldn't. Fixing something when you felt broken yourself was impossible, even for her. So she left the base, left her own little Siberian winter behind. Hoping it wouldn't follow her. And vowing to come back when she could once again feel the summer inside of her.

It took a long time, but little by little she felt the cold subside and retract. Spring had started blooming in her heart again. The glacial heaviness had melted away, and the puddles had dried up. All that was left now was her, a changed version of who she had once been, but still her none the less. She had feared going back, afraid the dread would turn snowflakes into snowballs, and spring would regress back to winter, having not yet even seen any signs of summer. The first few steps were hard, like the earth had not yet tasted the mild sunrays of spring. The team however was warm and welcoming, breaking the ice like budding flowers. And seeing Fitz again didn't produce hailstorms, it made spring turn into summer. She was where she was supposed to be. Able to feel and respond accordingly to her surroundings. She was home, and she had brought the sun back with her.

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><p><strong>AN: **There has to be a Frozen joke inside of this thing. Though I didn't even think about that until here at the end.

At this point in time I'm hoping Simmons is just out on some kind of secret mission. But yeah, of course she needs to take care of herself too. Fitz might be the one visibly marked by the events, but it was a trauma for her too.


End file.
